The Rules of Screenwriting

1.   The Rules of Screenwriting must be obeyed or disobeyed. Do not mix and match. If you follow each and every one of them you will have a successful script. If you do the opposite of each and every rule, you will also meet with success.

2.   Do not introduce black people during the first scene, if you must, they cannot be killed off until the second last scene, unless their demise is at the hands of one of their own kind.

3.   Do not introduce gay people during the first scene, if you must, they cannot be killed off until the second last scene, unless their demise is due to AIDS or other affliction.

4.   Rule 3 does not apply to lesbians.

5.   If you wish to represent a successful family unit, they must have a dog.

6.   If extended domestic dialogue takes place in the kitchen, the woman is required to be chopping something.

7.   Standard Police chiefs are required to be African Americans, Police chiefs 'on the take' must be caucasion.

8.   Arabic or Muslim characters must not carry any form of baggage or luggage in public nor should they be used as extras in transport scenes. It will unsettle the viewer.

9.   Unless you are writing fantasy, overweight or obese people may not have sex, ever.

10. If planet earth comes under threat, whether from aliens or asteroids, always use nuclear weapons, knowing full well they will never work.

11. All terrorists and bad people of sound mind must by definition be foreign. Psychotics may be American.

12. All scenes in London, must contain, a red double decker bus, a black cab and Big Ben. London, England must also must be superimposed on the screen.

13. If on location in Paris, in addition to an accordian in the soundtrack, please place Paris, France on the screen to avoid the obvious confusion with Paris, Texas.

14. In medical drama, all staff are required to sleep with other members of staff at some point. If not, the viewer will believe them to be a communist.

15. Even in fantasy scripts, hetrosexual males do not experiment with homosexuality and then turn back, ever.

16. Do not portray any images of God that will lead the viewer question their belief in Charlton Heston.

17. US Presidents may be portrayed as Caucasion or African American, Hispanic characters may not be used. Austrialians or Britons may never be used.

18. Action heroes may not partake in sexual activity, it's to do with the steriods. Do not sap their strength, Arnie and Sly didn't manage it. What makes your character so great?

19. Real butlers must always be portrayed as English, Benson was produced using CGI. 

20. When referencing greats, Elvis may be referred to as the King, Ali the greatest, Frank Sinatra, old blue eyes. Do not refer to Ginger Rogers as Firecrotch.

21. When typing sex scenes, you may, if the scene is taking too long, resort to typing with one hand.

22. When breaking into shops, warehouses and factories, be advised they are never alarmed.

23. Even though it's illogical and roof access is usually restricted, chases on foot must end up on the roof.

24. Disccourage your characters from having cellars in their home, something bad will happen.

25. If a credit card is refused, it must be all of them.

26. In historic drama, you may call for the doctor to attend the house. The Doctor will attend the house c/w little black bag. A waste of time, that character is doomed.

27. All Greek male characters must be called Nick.

28. Aliens. Meteors or anything likely to destroy the earth will go to America, nowhere else is important to destory.

29. Villains now require motive. Being a native Indian, a German, a Russian or even an Alien is no longer sufficient reason for them to be killed by your hero.